Envy is the first sin

Chapter 1: envy is the first sin

I remember how free I felt 

I remember being in love

I remember being in love with them and knowing no difference between us

Except

I remember my father telling me that we are descended from those who named mountains

and to always remember

that we are who we are. 

I remember awareness of their networks strobing

I remember their cousins and public schools and forest schools and Islington and Wandsworth and Amersham and Edinburgh and Gloucestershire and Oxfordshire and Marlborough and Rugby and Kings

I remember interchangeable colonial genetics

red beard brown hair blonde eyes sandy brows

canned cider

rollies

ceilidhs

internships 

I remember that I loved them despite all of that

        I forgave them despite all of that

I remember that I thanked my father for anchoring us among them 

despite all of that

I remember that I knew no difference between us

I remember that I needed nothing from them

I remember always knowing that my parties were different because we came from a place where people still know how to love their people

I remember that was obvious

I remember that I have a talent for belonging

Except

I remember my father telling me that we are descended from those who command armies

and to always remember

that we are who we are. 

I remember that I sang for them 

Chiron is in the twelfth house in Gemini and every song I sang for them opened our soul as one

except that was a lie

I remember 

our souls divided

and mine received instructions

and theirs hosted destructions

Envy is the first sin

and from this wicked poison bloom opens 

seeking wicked pollination

Except

I remember my mother telling me that I am descended from the first son-in-law and my father calling him a thief

and to always remember to thank

the blue Sun

the white Moon

the green River

for we are who we are. 

They have forbidden one another from speaking to their gods in public

they call it vain

I remember

they have hunted and killed those who did

and made perverts of whoever remained

until communion itself was perverted and forgotten

I remember

I remember the years I gave to learning my song

years I gave scorned by their parent bought song

My parents’ blood was enough for my song to sing 

I remember how true my song sang

I remember their lips curling 

spark of envy in their eyes

how little I understood the danger I was in

I remember pretending 

I remember believing

I remember believing that love would protect me

pretending that love would believe me

I remember needing to believe 

I remember needing to pretend

I remember needing protection

Except

by father and mother

by sister, too

I have always known

envy is the first sin.

At first

I remember my cunning and her songs were celebrated

        they did not understand or recognise my cunning and her songs

except 

with their own

I remember their agendas

meeting diversity quotients

being hosted at the feast

my talents overspilling their caskets

snorting sniffing smoking

losing control to prove how little I needed

I remember staying awake all night and sleeping twice a week

still

undeniable brilliance

their lips curling 

the spark of their eyes

how little I understood the danger I was in

when our souls divided

and mine received instructions

and theirs hosted destructions

And then

I remember slowly seeping 

wounds fresh weeping

surrendering to inescapable pain

learning

that they had taken

they

red beard brown hair blonde eyes sandy brows

yes

had taken

taken

my lands

my gods

my people

my mountains

my black blood that runs thick underneath my surface of my deserts

set alight by demons chasing nightmares consuming icecaps destroying orchards

taken

and so 

like a bird at dawn 

I began to sing to gods in public

because this could not be taken

I remember that these gods survive inside me

survive inside my song

survive inside my cunning

envy is the first sin

and by this crack even citadels crumble

and without becomes within

envy is the first sin

And I was no princess

And my father’s kingdom lay bound to another regime

And there were no high priests to recognise my power growing

No loyal battalions pending upon my maturation 

No gentle cavalry prancing for my debut

No horses at all

No venerable attendants

No scriptural reflections

No tuition

No guidance

No blessing

Just songs

And a talent for belonging

So I turned

to blue Sun

white Moon

green River

and I sang my songs

until I heard their songs

and they heard my songs

and we opened our soul as one

and I became a bird

with claws.

Envy is the first sin.